On perfectionism
I finally feel a bit more qualified to write about perfectionism now. So here it is.
A quick disclaimer before we get into the post:
In general, when people try to sell you on some life-vision for being an extra effective person, what they are really trying to do is make you feel like you have not accomplished enough or aren’t awesome enough, therefore tricking you into believing that their solution is the cure-all for your problems. This post does not do that, or at least I attempted not to. This is my experience and mine only. Take it with a grain of salt.
1. Perfectionism is a lie, in 4 different ways.
a. Perfection is subjective.
No one knows what perfection is. It’s one way in my head but it is always going to be different in another person’s head. As Tom Scott puts it in one of his videos: “The chances of a project succeeding aren’t really coupled to how much time and effort and money you’ve spent on it. And it can often seem like the opposite is true. You’ll see people complain that the thing they’ve poured all their heart and soul and effort and time into, that thing sank, but something quick and dirty that they slapped together has become popular.”
b. There are different categories of perfection.
An argumentative essay may be logical, but it may not be expressive at the same time. Translators know this well in their heart. If they focus on preserving the artistic form of a piece of poetry, there will most likely be meanings lost in translation; convey the meanings as accurately as possible and they will probably have to ruin its form. That’s why Italians sometimes refer to translators ("traduttore") as betrayers ("traditore"). Achievement of one goal may mean pulling away from another goal. I sometimes just cannot have it all.
c. Perfection is constantly changing.
What may be seen as best by myself 4 years ago may not be seen as best by myself today. I am constantly growing and learning. So is the definition of perfection.
d. Perfection is never attainable, at times despite my attempt.
I will never know where I am going to hit until I actually throw the dart. If I spend a ton of time thinking about how I am going to throw the dart and never throw it, I might be doing a whole lot of work that isn’t actually helping.
2. Who fed me these lies?
According to the " Multidimensional perfectionism scale" devised by Hewitt and Flett in 1991, there are three types of perfectionism:
- self-oriented perfectionism
- socially prescribed perfectionism
- other-oriented perfectionism
Self-oriented perfectionism refers to having unrealistic expectations and standards for oneself that lead to perfectionistic motivation. In other words, we lie to ourselves: "If only I could do just a little bit better." (Perfectionism, in this case, somehow became my one great excuse for procrastination: because of my intention to perfect, I can always keep polishing my stuff instead of putting it out in the world.)
Socially prescribed perfectionism is characterized by developing perfectionistic motivations due actual or perceived high expectations of significant others. That is, we get told these lies by the ones that matter most to us. Parents who push their children to be successful in certain endeavors (such as athletics or academics) provide an example of what often causes this type of perfectionism, as the children feel that they must meet their parents' lofty expectations.
Other-oriented perfectionism is having unrealistic expectations and standards for others that in turn pressure them to have perfectionistic motivations of their own. Which means, sadly, that we tell these lies back to others, although sometimes unconsciously.
3. Why do we tell ourselves and others these lies?
a. My things are always going to look worse than someone else’s, exactly because it is mine.
I know the thing that I create better than anyone else. I know all its imperfections, all its flaws, all of the things that it could have been but it isn't. That flawed picture is always going to be more obviously visible to me, whereas when I look at something someone else made I am not going to see those imperfections.
b. We fear disconnection.
Connection is why we are here today. It is what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives. We fear disconnection, because it can be excruciatingly painful: “Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?” No wonder we perfect. We are neurologically wired to connect, and perfection seemed to be just the right solution to it all. ("Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.")
4. How can we do better?
a. Excellencism can be a healthy alternative to perfectionism.
Excellencism is a term coined by the psychologist Patrick Gaudreau. It means still setting high standards but not beating yourself up about it if you do not meet them. Hank Green summarizes this pretty well: 80%. Do your best to get it 80% of the way to as good as you can make it and go no further. Just do not try to get it to 100%. There are healthier goals than perfect and getting it done is already success. Because your thing is always going to look imperfect to you, the chance of you learning more from those 80% feedback is always higher. You may learn from perfecting those 20%, but you also may not.
b. Believe that you are enough, unconditionally.
Now, I understand and fully recognize how hard it can be to be vulnerable. Throwing that dart requires courage. Not beating yourself up requires courage. Especially when you just started and are still new to whatever you are doing. You just know that your thing is objectively not that good, not even close to being excellent. And you might fail, miserably sometimes, but remember this: failure is not weakness. Have compassion for yourself the same way that you would have compassion for someone else. Accept your own occasional failure the same way that you would accept someone else’s. If it makes you feel any better, imperfection is what makes us human. And there is nothing wrong with that.
If you also happened to have struggled with perfectionist issues, welcome to being human. I hope that this post helped. If not, then great! You are one of the lucky ones. Thank you for reading anyway.