reverie v. reality

https://reverie.bearblog.devreverie v. reality2023-11-30T10:31:59.499636+00:00reveriehiddenpython-feedgenon mini-hiatus! be back soon! • • • • hello there, wanderer! I’m reverie (or you can call me eve). here you will find a mish-mash of:

assorted thoughts poe...https://reverie.bearblog.dev/glot/g.l.o.t. 🍀2023-11-28T15:17:02.713821+00:00reveriehidden

So, about my sign-off.

I let a friend of mine read a first draft of a post (still too terrified to lead anyone to the actual blog, but this friend isn't the type to go snooping after the fact) and she was a little confused by the meaning.

"Is it, like, 'Good luck. You're going to need it, because it's rough out there'?" she asked me.

I thought, Is that what people read it as? Oh, dear, that's not quite what I meant.

So, the short answer is: sometimes, maaaaaybe yes. But mainly, no.

I mean, yeah, it is rough out there. Life is tough and complicated and stressful and terrifying. That's not what I'm trying to convey, though.

I mean it more as a blessing, much like you tell a friend, "Be safe!" when they leave your house. I'm trying to pass a little luck on to you by sheer force of will.

Good luck out there.
I hope they have a fresh batch of your favorite pastries at the coffee shop today.
I hope your favorite song plays on the bus radio.
I hope you get a letter from a good friend.
I hope there's some great joy to stumble upon.
I wish you luck out there in the world today.

And I really mean this. I wish you all the best. I might not know you, but I want you to be happy. I want us all to be happy. So, when you go, I'm weaving a little luck into our farewell - I'm sending it with you, out into the world!

Today is a good day, and you are full of good things, and there are even better things waiting for you.

Good luck out there,
Eve

a few thoughts pulled from the tiny notebook I carry around for little thoughts & observations

• • one • •

Today I woke up while the sky was still a pale, unlit gray. I got in & out of bed a few times, reluctant to start the day ahead. I'm like this in most ways - bad at committing fully.

Funny how it stretches even to this place in my life. How many other tells do I have, living in the unthinking, in-between moments? How many could I find, even if I looked & looked?

• • two • •

I wonder how other people go through life. Do they cut through it cleanly - no frisson or tumbling backwards down the line of it?

I feel like a tightrope walker, buffeted on all sides by a strong wind. I'm trying so hard to stay on the rope, I hardly move at all.

• • three • •

Even on days where I feel unsteady, the clouds still paint a soft & mountainous picture along the horizon; an ever-changing art show.

My office has a tiny window. Sometimes, I turn the lights off and look outside. If I'm lucky, I'll glance out to see a bird wheel in & out of sight, graceful in a way that soothes the restlessness for one swooping second.

• • four • •

Cows in the creek, under the tunneled treetops. They're peaceful. Looks chilly. Up to their knees (do cows have knees?) in rushing water, but they seem content & completely unconcerned with my passing by.

Maybe I should stand in a creek in the shade? Maybe I should lie down in a field & watch the sky turn orange, dark blue, then black.

I really, truly love a board game bar (or café).

If you're looking for a place to hang out where you can really get silly with it in public without worrying about anyone else giving a single fuck, it's one of the best places to go.

They have snacks, they have beverages, they have unlimited-board-game-play for a relatively low price (or at least, my local ones does - I would hope it's similar elsewhere), and they have a built-in customer base of people who are there to have fun!

There's something so low-stakes and wonderful about walking into a location where you know that other people are also just there to play games with their friends. It's a very vibrant and joyful atmosphere.

You get to try tons of different games out & just being in the room with other people can recommend a new game to you by proxy! If another table looks like they're having so much fun, I'll always go ask what they've got their hands on.

A favorite game of mine - Deer Lord! - is one that always gets strange looks and polite inquiries! (But that will happen when you're trying to find a way to lay down across your chair on without anyone calling you on it, or competing see who can build the highest tower out of anything surrounding you in thirty seconds.)

It's also just enjoyable to go to a space where people are having such a good time. Laughter, jokingly-competitive arguing, the sound of cards shuffling, and the click of board games pieces - it fills me with such a sense of contentment.

Also, my local BGB&C has weekly trivia and - sometimes - tabletop role playing game nights. I've only attended trivia once or twice, but having a recurrent event to attend like that is wonderful, I think. Back in undergrad, my roommates and I would go play Bingo every Tuesday at this nearby spot (it has since closed down, but the memories live on!) & even though I sort of think Bingo is incredibly boring (sorry...), I loved the kind of Third Space¹ that our weekly attendance made the place feel like. & I really love trivia nights, even though I'm actually pretty useless at them! It's just a fun excuse to get together and learn something new.

And I think that places like board game cafes are especially good for overthinkers & worriers (saying this as one myself), because you can push yourself out of your comfort zone with different games while also knowing that everyone around you is totally focused on their own activities, so you don't have to be scared that some random person nearby is judging how well you're playing or eyeballing you while you’re doing something objectively ridiculous. (Seriously, I think people only tune in on you if you seem like you’re having so much fun, which is - like - the best circumstance to be Seen by strangers.)

Something I'm trying to do more on my personal journey towards not letting my nerves get the better of me is to branch out of my comfort zone in ways that I know will make me a little nervous, but where I can push through any big fears - so I'm starting by looking for things I can do by myself (or with friends, too) that I feel like are welcoming & fun & a little more low-stakes.

I started a beginner's ballet class, for example! And I'm trying to go to trivia and other easy-to-pop-by events once or twice every other week.²

I'm hoping these steps will give me a little more confidence in making even bigger jumps. Still - more than anything, it's not even confidence that I want, it's just a "nobody even cares what I'm doing, so I can try anything without worrying about the shame of messing up in front of other people" thing.

So, um...cheers to trying new things & to killing shame at the board game bar (& café)!

Good luck out there,
Eve

• • • • • • • •

content warning: mention of excoriation disorder (aka dermatillomania/chronic skin picking)

I was honestly in a terrible mood yesterday and I really needed to pick it back up before the evening (had a friend event to go to) so I just decided to lean into it and vent to get the awful, thorny feelings out - so, um…incoming bugbear. I’m sharing this mainly in case anyone else has the same misgivings and worries, so maybe they’ll feel a little less alone in it.

—

Tired and frustrated and annoyed with myself - I started the day flustered, but overall alright…but the weather is dreary and gross here. It’s making me feel so, so much worse.

Add in the fact that I have my appointment with my new therapist today after work and I'm feeling pretty nervous and sick to my stomach, which is ridiculous because I've literally gone to therapy before - multiple times, in fact! I thought about trying to get back in touch with my last therapist, but she's licensed in another state, so no dice. Maybe it's for the best. I think I'd feel totally mortified a little embarrassed to crawl back to her after two years with many of the same problems I last saw her for cropping up again.

I always really hate the first getting-to-know you appointment, though; having to lay out all of the things I shy away from in my own mind in front of someone I don't even really know. Kind of backwards of me to say, when I'm on here pouring my heart out about my anxieties to anyone who stumbles upon them, but there's something about another person looking at me when I say things aloud that makes it so much worse. All of the words get caught in my throat.

Not that it matters. Really - I'm making it sound so complicated when it's not. What it comes down to is that I'm afraid of living. I am abjectly terrified of life - all of it! I'm a butterfly under glass, pinned beneath the weight of my fears.

But that's a bit too big of a starting point for first day of meeting, so I'll try to narrow down some of my more immediate fears.

Generally, I try to make a list before I go in, so that I don't end up six tangents away from what I meant to talk about. But right now, everything I write feels so fucking trivial, it just makes this off-brand version of shame well up inside of me. Why am I wasting someone's time and appointment slots because of my should-be-surmountable fears?

Like, "Oh, hi, thanks so much for taking an hour to talk to me! Let me tell you about how I'm so afraid of emotional vulnerability that I refuse to go on dates or even make new friends; or how I'm terrible at drawing boundaries and so I'm constantly stuck between pouring out too much of myself or withdrawing to try to recharge which must be really confusing to my friends, I must seem pretty hot & cold, and I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible friend; or how I'm so afraid of the way I'm perceived by friends, family, and also total strangers that I feel Fleabag levels of Watched all the time even though I know that no one is actually paying attention to me; or - oh yeah - how I have no idea what I want in life and I don't have a five year plan - I don't even have a six month plan! - and when I try to think ahead, I'm overcome with dread, so the months just roll over me and I lay there and play dead!!!! What do you think, doc? Worth your time?”

Yeah. Maybe I won’t lead with that, but I’m sure they’ve got bigger things to worry about than me making mountains out of molehills.

• • • •

My little angst-driven, over-the-top back-to-therapy playlist for today:

• Shameful Company \| Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Have I recently developed a propensity to push people away? Am I okay with that?

• Hello World \| The Front Bottoms

And it used to go question and then answer, but we were younger and it was easy. And now it goes question and then question, question - answers don't come so easy.

• Hard Times \| Paramore

Walking around with my little rain cloud hanging over my head and it ain't coming down.

• Chronically Cautious - Country Version \| Josiah & the Bonnevilles

Overloaded serial stressor, I'm sitting nauseous. Panic on a loop in my head, I'm chronically cautious.

• Nothing \| Catie Turner

Complain about having no friends, but be the first one to cancel plans. I don't think I asked for your advice. (No, wait actually I did.) But doing the easy thing's too hard, I need it chaotic.

• California \| Chappel Roan

Thought I'd be cool in California. I'd make you proud. To think I almost had it going, but I let you down.

• Hypochondriac \| Fenne Lilly

We're all sick of waiting for a moment to stop and sleep it off.

I’m embarrassed even posting this, but the whole point of starting a blog was to work on talking through things with myself (& be more open, emotionally).

And, like, what reason is the right one to go to therapy? What answer does my brain even want? My primary care doctor told me last year that the reason I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of getting sick (without it ever happening) is because I’m so anxious all of the time that my body’s just in red-alert and setting off false alarms in response - hence the recurrent hives and the on-and-off sore throat feeling. And I can’t even wear short sleeve shirts because the more anxious I am, the worse my picking gets. So, no cute sleeveless dress for me tonight at my friend’s birthday party, despite it being humid as fuck here.

These have to be good enough reasons, right? Why am I agonizing over this?

I guess if I’m anxious enough about just about going to therapy that I’ve written up a whole post dedicated to my fears surrounding it, that’s probably a pretty good indicator I should go.

Please wish me luck. 🍀

Good luck out there,
Eve

• • • • • • • •

P.S. - Therapy actually went really well - though I did cry way faster than thought I would.

walk now
out of the water onto black rock;
follow the path along the cold, blue shore;
climb over the sharp-toothed maw of canyons.

pass down between the wildflower hills & valleys;
further, then - through the dense woods in sun-dappled shade;
into the verdant, thorny thicket,
and enter the clearing.

see here?
my heart sits, quiet and alone in a pale beam of light - a tower.
I built it - stone by gleaming stone - out of daydreams and old bits of fairytales.

do you like it? does it suit me?

made of every song I sang softly into the morning air;
made of crushed-up hopes and laughing tears.
held aloft, no ladder or stairs.

and me, within it.
just me, within it.
me, within my stone and stardust heart.

see - through the window - my shadow pass by?
for a moment, dancing or singing -
then standing still.
sometimes at the sill, looking out at the dusk-made alcove of my heart -
kept secretly in the deep of the forest -
stowed safely out of sight.

& no one holds me here - no dragon, or fairy, or well-meaning witch.
just me.
just me, building a door with no lock and no key.

and I'm lonely here, yes.
but the birds sing a song I love every evening.
I'm lonely, but the tower cries when I cry & dreams my same dreams.
and the loneliness passes over me, yes -
in crashing and unexpected waves -
but the sun shines down upon the clearing so beautifully most days.

do you like it? the pearlescent blue stone?
is it lovely? does it suit me?

& in the window, I pass once more across the frame and out of sight
like a slant of light - shifting & untouchable & gone.

& how, then, can loneliness touch me?

.
.
.
.

how terrible
to have made an awful little purgatory
of myself.

a personal list

01 - a

• the world is full of good things.
• I can contribute to those good things.
• the things I contribute can be great or small.
• some good things I consider small are great to others (& vice versa).

01 - b

• great happinesses are for only a few days (& that's okay!)
• small happinesses are for every day.
• even small happinesses have great importance and should be treated with respect.
• sometimes, small happinesses must be made (& that is okay).

01 - c

• time with sadness allows for appreciation of time with joy.
• sometimes I have to go down the hill. sometimes the climb back up the hill is hard.
• the view from the top of the hill is lovely, and worth the climb.
• often, the view is that much better for having been to the bottom - to see how far I've come.

01 - d

• I can start over again.
• habits, chores, projects, beliefs - these can be made anew, whenever I want.
• no sunk cost fallacies here! ¹ things I've put time into can be scrapped to make way for better options.
• there is room in life to change and move and begin again, physically and mentally.

• • • • • • • •

Quite the shake up in my routine this weekend, as I am out of town & in a new and interesting place - one I probably would not have ever had the pleasure of visiting if some family had not moved up here! It's very, very cold and despite trying to pack in anticipation of this, I'm still shivering cartoonishly every time we step outside (and I kind of forgot to consider bringing a good scarf, so my cheeks and nose are constantly bright red). The looks we get from the locals as we bumble around in our over-the-top winter clothes are pretty comical. I think it's embarassingly obvious to them that we're from warmer climates.¹

Still, there are cute shops here, the downtown area is easy to navigate and full of secret, tucked-away murals, and there are cool and hilarious local stickers and graffiti posted up and down the alleyways or on light poles. I almost wish I was here alone, so I could explore at a more leisurely pace - but I'm here with other people (and on limited time), so I have to keep in mind when they get antsy and want to get a move on.² I was rushed out of a bookshop/miscellaneous shop yesterday, where I was amassing an arm-full of stickers, books, postcards, and gifts for friends. I'm absolutely chomping at the bit to go back by and take my time perusing the sections that I wasn't able to get to. I think there were two other rooms that I never even stepped foot in!

• • • •

I'm hoping we get some time to relax a little, as well, but I have a feeling this weekend will be very go-go-go, which is why I'm throwing this together in between excursions. We had dinner at a local Thai restaurant last night. I got the Pad Thai³ and it was absolutely delicious. The day before last, we ate at more of a chain(-ish) restaurant, which wasn't bad, but yesterday and today we're hitting the more local fare and I'm incredibly happy about it. Personally, when I go out of town, I'm rarely as interested in visiting a restaurant I can find elsewhere. It's the unique, personal places that stick so fondly in my memory.

We do get back pretty late on Sunday, which I'm not looking forward to. I'm grateful to have more time here on Sunday morning, since this is already a pretty quick trip and hopefully it will give us a little extra time with our family before we head out...but I am deeply possessive of my Sunday nights. Despite being a bona fide introvert, my weekends are often full-to-the-brim with plans (between friends, family, and personal errands) and so I enter the week feeling less rested than I truly wish I was. I have a lot of mixed, guilty feelings when I try to take a weekend to myself, because I always end up getting a variation of FOMO that just kind of amounts to, "Will I regret not spending this time with my friends later?"⁴ So, I usually try to make sure that - at the very least - my Sunday evenings/nights are my own.

Sometimes I daydream about cashing in on all of my sick-leave hours and taking a week to just sleep and relax - a mental reset. I plan out what I would do over the course of the week: sleep in late, kick back, and focus on personal projects (reading, writing, hobbies) on Monday and Tuesday, knock out all of my general chores on Wednesday and Thursday, and then Friday during the workday I could get anything leftover done and still have Friday evening and the weekend to throw together a combination of socializing and doing whatever the hell else I wanted.

• • • •

I'm trying to sneak my personal moments to write and work on responding to people, but even when it's a quiet moment, there's people around me chatting and sometimes I can barely hear myself think! If I was a little less distractable, this might not be an issue, but I'm constantly tuning into bits and pieces of conversations or someone is trying to get my attention.

Hopefully I'll get some good moments to write about from this experience (maybe a few honeybears or cloud watching - from a plane! - posts.)

In the meantime, I'm breathing in the crisp, cold air. It's fresh and clear and biting.

I love a new adventure.

Good luck out there,
Eve

• • • • • • • •

I can see it now - how the leaving works: everyone exits when the lights are out. There’s no final word spoken between us - cutting and sharp - to sever the strings.

No malice or hatred, no screaming accusations. No blue-tinted breakdown - spilled water on the hardwood.

Instead, the dimming of the room; just for a moment - for an indrawn breath or two. Lights up and no one is there but you. Empty cup on the counter. Your number, unused.

Sometimes, a feeling, which cannot linger; a fire sparking on an unlit stage. Yet in the darkness, light is smothered by silence (or perhaps, the space that remains).

I've seen its shape - the coming and going: a lone shadow passing on the back wall; the black pinprick of the afterimage - first, a Godlight glow, then a void-like hole.

So, my friends and I sometimes go on little adventures - this might be a day trip to go find a cool antique store, or an afternoon of hiking, or an evening where we get dressed up and go grab dinner. And one of my personal favorite things that we do during these hang-outs is that one of us will often bring along a disposable camera. (Who exactly ends up bringing it really depends on the day. Sometimes, we won't make it through the entire count of exposures and so whoever took a photo last will take it home with them and then bring it along on our next trip.¹)

Once we've filled up one or two, we'll take them by a shop to develop them. Sometimes, it might be a few months - and several adventures - before we get around to developing the photos! I think this is really, really fun; partly because I typically forget about half of what we decided to take photos of and partly because what I do remember is usually what I took for the group. I get to be pleasantly surprised by the things that my friends decided to capture in the moment, because while we usually end up in the photos, sometimes one of us will decide to snag a snap of a mural or an oddly-shaped rock or some other unexpected joy. (You never know what will grab someone else's attention.) Or, someone will sneak a perfect candid photo, which is also a wonderful treat.

Often, I feel like we get some of my very favorite photos from the film camera - even moreso than ones that we posed so nicely for on our phones - and I keep several of them pinned up on my corkboard at work to look at when I feel particularly glum. There's also something so...delightfully entertaining about the inability to retake a picture twenty times. We just have to hope we didn't blink or sneeze! And I really love when we turn the camera around to attempt a group shot, but we end up off-frame and everyone is just a liiiiiiittle cut out of the image. It makes me laugh so much!!!

When I think about it, I guess I feel a lot of pressure to make sure I look good in photos. When we're taking them on our phones, I'm much less forgiving of the little things (and I hear it reflected in my friends, as well, though I know we're all our own worst critics, because I always think they look wonderful) and we typically take multiples of the same shot, with just one ending up as the "best" option. But in the pictures we get back from the film cameras, we usually only get the one take before we keep going, and I almost always love what we did get - I'm not nitpicking every blemish or out-of-place hair or half-talking grin. It just makes me feel a bit less like a bug under a microscope, I suppose. I'm a little kinder to my film-photo self.

I've been considering investing in a camera that I can replace the film in. Do I understand how to do this? No, absolutely not. But there's a Youtube video for everything! (And sometimes I feel guilty about using disposable cameras - though from what I understand, Fujifilm is pretty good about recycling their cameras after you drop it off to have the film developed?) The ease of acquirement and use with a disposable film camera is unmatched, but grabbing a ~$14 dollar camera with only 27 or so photos (plus price of developing) does add up, which is why I’ve been researching a couple of previously used point-and-shoots - there’s a Kodak M35 on a massive sale that I’m trying to make a decision about…

My younger brother is actually really knowledgeable when it comes to cameras (frankly, he knows a lot of highly specific and interesting stuff), so I called him up to ask about if he thought it might be a good idea to just buy a reusable one.² He suggested a different film camera which I was immediately terrified of, because when I looked it up, it seemed waaaaaaaay more complicated and also delicate - I think I would break, like, a tiny internal mechanism in it right out of the gate?! Maybe I’m overthinking this…but I'm just looking for something sturdy, so I don't have to worry too much about it if we’re on a more rigorous excursion. (Also…I get kind of antsy when I have something Nice that I might Mess Up.³)

I like a physical manifestation of a memory, and I like that disposable cameras allow you to capture that in a way that doesn't take too much time away from the actual enjoyment of the moment itself. (I feel like this sounds jaded, but I don't really mean it that way. To be honest, I often forget to take photos at all, so maybe I shouldn’t have such big opinions about this - but when I do, I find a quicksnap is my favorite method.) I don't share a lot of my personal photos online or on social media much these days, anyway, so I think the fact that I can take my pictures and tuck them into a photo album or keepsake box to look back on later just adds to my fondness for it. (And you can write little notes on the back of them to add context or a sweet surprise!) ...I don't know. I just love it.

The older I get, the more heartfelt adoration I have for the simpler things, I guess.⁴ Or maybe that's just the nostalgia talking...

Good luck out there,
Eve

• • • • • • • •

My space is finally in some semblance of order once more. I may have ended up calling in backup, but I'm not going to give myself too much grief about that. Sometimes it's needed!

And, wow, I hate to say it, but it's wild how much better I immediately feel once everything isn't in complete disarray. Just, like - I can suddenly think and breathe easier. When my home is out of sorts, I feel it reflected within - like every out-of-place item is duplicated and magnified mentally, cluttering up my mindscape.

Anyway, I ended up deciding to tackle an area that I've generally overlooked on other cleaning sprees (I try to pick my battles, which means I often end up focusing on my most-frequented and most-utilized areas) and I was excited to discover a box that I had thought was stashed elsewhere. When I moved, there were some things that I left packed, as I originally wasn't planning on being where I am as long as I have been...best laid plans and all that jazz. I'd placed it out of the way with a few other boxes but I was very excited to see this one in particular - my keepsakes!

I hold on tightly to my favorite letters, birthday cards, and other mementos. Something about knowing someone thought of me and took the time to pick out the card and craft a message honestly makes me teary eyed. I wasted¹ a good thirty minutes just flipping through my letter hoard. What a marvelous gift, to have so many pieces that I can call well-loved mementos.

It also made me realize that....well, many of them are from several years back & I have almost no new additions. I think it's partly that all of us are older and busier - not travelling as often, consumed with the everyday slog - and that pattern of reaching out has fallen by the wayside...but upon reflection, I also feel like I've withdrawn from some of my long-distance (and even some nearby) friends in the past few years.

I used to be wonderful about reaching out to people a few times a year, just to catch up and let them know they were in my thoughts. I've struggled with bridging the gap recently, out of fear that the connection will be unwanted or burdensome, but that fear never stopped me in the past and I've only rarely discovered that the fear had any real foundations.²

I wonder if my friends feel the same way, and I wonder if they think I don't feel the same deep-seated affection and fondness for them anymore. The thought makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, because in my mind, I know that I will always leave a light on. I forget that other people can't see that shining out of my heart like a lighthouse beacon.

I think I need to begin reaching out again. It's true - some people may not want to reconnect, but I've been neglecting people I love very much out of fear for too long. Fuck, why have I been doing that?³ I used to believe that telling people loudly and earnestly that you cared about them was one of the joyful necessities of life. I want to be full to the brim with love and hope again, as sentimental and starry-eyed as that sounds.

The worst that happens is that I get no response, right? And with the way I'm currently going, the line is quiet either way. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," as they say.

Good luck out there,
Eve

• • • • • • • •