the horrors persist, but so do i

I wasn't planning on writing a post at work, but I read reverie's latest post and it inspired me to make a quick post too. I like having a mantra to use on bad days. This is the one I've been repeating of late. (My coworker sent me this meme, bless her heart.)

yours, tiramisĂș

I woke up an hour early today to get some extra work done, but I spent the whole time crying instead. I don't even know why I bothered to get up early.

It's been all-around a dreadful start to the week, but I scheduled a therapy appointment yesterday! It was surprisingly difficult, not just logistically but emotionally, even though I'm not usually prone to anxiety. I kept choking up when the receptionist asked me to describe why I was seeking therapy. It makes sense for them to ask that, but the question still caught me off guard. I was a nervous wreck the whole conversation and even almost hung up when I got put on hold for a moment, but I kept comforting myself by telling myself that they probably deal with people like me all the time, and that being nervous and anxious about therapy is normal. (It is, isn't it?)

My appointment is on Thursday during work. They didn't have any availability outside of work hours, which means I'll have to make up the hour I miss on my own time. The therapist I got an appointment with wasn't my top choice, but she seems nice. Her focus is couples counseling, which is obviously not what I'm looking for, but I figure it's close enough?

As the appointment draws closer, the thought of opening up to a complete stranger over videochat only gets scarier. Am I supposed to prepare for therapy? I feel like I need to at least be able to convey what I'm struggling with in a few succinct points for her to work with. I'm worried about a lot of things: of not feeling comfortable (especially since it's a virtual appointment, which I know comes with its own benefits and drawbacks), of not showing improvement, of clamming up when the time comes, or worse, babbling incoherently and breaking down in tears. Eeeeeek! My mind is going into hyperdrive just thinking about it.

That said, I'm still very proud of myself for getting over the hump and actually getting an appointment scheduled, and I'll be more proud after I follow through and talk to a therapist for the first time. I'm trying to keep my expectations low, but even if it goes disastrously, at the very least now that I've done it once I know that I can do it again. After all, the horrors persist, but so do I.


thank you for reading; write to me at yourstiramisu 🐌 proton dot me

#life #journal #english #movingon #therapy